Culture

The Decade in Super Bowl Halftime Shows

Barry Trutor

The decade to come in Super Bowl Halftime Shows will be ushered in with the same winning formula that has delivered us from the wardrobe malfunction 00s. On February 7, 2010, the half whole Who and Don Kirshner's son Ricky will again provide us sports fans with a breather in the middle of our most cherished national holiday. Following the infamous 2004 wardrobe malfunction, the heads of the thirty-two families decided that Super Bowl Halftime Shows featuring harmless old rockers and produced by seasoned industry insiders was the go-forward business case.

We began the 00s with more of the something-for-everyone big name ensembles that were the staple of the 90s Super Bowl Halftimes: Collins-Aguilera-Iglesias-Braxton in 2000, Aerosmith-'N Sync-Britney in 2001. With the intervention of Bin Laden in the course of human events, Bono and The Edge were called in to uplift the American psyche in 2002. They did not disappoint. I was blown away by their rendition of "Beautiful Day" that night. It's a beautiful day, Don't let it get away, It's a beautiful day! Sports Illustrated ranks that Halftime Show as the best in Super Bowl history. No question in my mind. In 2003, they kept it pretty simple with the triumvirate of Shania, No Doubt, and Sting.

The organizers of the Super Bowl decided to ramp things up in 2004, get a little wilder after the bland 2003 show. The Super Bowl XXXVIII "Nipplegate" show included pop tart-country crossover Jessica Simpson, Janet Jackson, Justin Timberlake, and not one, not two but three rappers: Nelly, P Diddy and Kid Rock. Boy-yo-yo-yo-yong! The busted bustier brought the Bush broadcast brigands to bear and the fallout continues to this day. Clarence Thomas and company recently remanded the $550,000 fine by the FCC as well as CBS' appeal back to the Third Circuit Court. The resultant riling of every conservative group imaginable, Charlton Heston, Pat Boone, countless Super Bowl advertisers, Eric Stephenson (who filed a $5,000 lawsuit in small claims court against Viacom claiming that pre-game advertising led him to believe that the halftime show would consist of marching bands, balloons and a patriotic celebration) and 50 Canadians (yup!) led the NFL dons to declare that MTV would never ever pull their pants down again (the historic definition of wardrobe malfunction), thus inaugurating the current era of Super Bowl Halftime Shows.

So in 2005, who else? The world's greatest harmless old rocker Paul McCartney. He was followed in 2006 by the world's second greatest harmless old rockers, The Rolling Stones, who were followed in 2007 by Prince, the world's most eclectic harmless old rocker. All flawless and uncontroversial. In 2008, we were treated to Tom Petty, the world's youngest harmless old rocker and last year, our favorite grimacing-cause-he's-trying-to-fit-into-the-jeans-he-wore-on-the-Tunnel of Love-tour harmless old rocker, Bruce Springsteen. Once again, it was perfect. With the announcement of this year's show, the modern business case remains in place. We will be treated to the world's greatest half dead harmless old rockers, The Who.

To put this all in perspective, some statistics are in order. Al Hirt, the New Orleans jazz trumpeter, was the first individual performer at a Super Bowl Halftime show. He was 45 when he blew "When The Saints Go Marching In" at the first Super Bowl. At Super Bowl IV, the Broadway star Carol Channing was the second celebrity to appear at Halftime. If you are under 50, skip over the next paragraph. If you are over 50, you'll know who and what I am talking about.

Carol Channing was born old. She was a painted lady who sang and talked with pursed lips. She was an incredible 59 years old when she sang "Hello Dolly" to the Chiefs and Vikings. Now think ahead to the present. These rock stars are remarkable after four plus decades of drugs and sex and rolls. Paul was sixty-three when he performed at Super Bowl XXXIX, Mick was also sixty three when he performed the next year at XL and Pete Townsend will be sixty-five on February 7th. Advances in geriatric medicine can be directly tracked by observing these Super Bowl Shows.

I made a cryptic reference to the fact that the Super Bowl halftime show was "produced by seasoned industry insiders" in the opening paragraph. From McCartney forward, the harmless old rockers have been expertly shepherded in by a triad of professionals' professionals, to wit: Don Mischer, head of Don Mischer Productions, Ricky Kirshner, and Glenn Weiss, the co-owners of White Cherry Entertainment. Besides Super Bowl Shows, these guys have produced the Winter and Summer Olympics, Democratic National Conventions, Emmy Awards shows, several inaugurations, Tony Awards shows, Boston Pops and on and on. They ARE the men! They get the big bucks. They don't leave anything to chance. There has not and will not be no stinkin' wardrobe malfunction in a White Cherry Entertainment production.

Next year's Super Bowl? Well, assuming they don't repeat one of the aforementioned harmless old rockers, here's the field. To map out the remaining contenders, I consulted the Bible of old harmless rockers, Rolling Stone Magazine and their list of the Fifty Greatest Artists of All Time. Starting at the top, at 70 years of age, Mr. Bob Dylan. He's great but "Masters of War" and "Oxford Town" don't strike me as gridiron appropriate. Elvis has left the building. Chuck Berry would be fabulous assuming his 85th birthday isn't that day. Hendrix. Scratch. James Brown. Scratch. 79 year old Little Richard? Pretty harmless and what a hoot that would be! We have to pass Aretha Franklin. She's more likely to do the National Anthem again. Ray Charles and Bob Marley are booked. The Beach Boys? Yes! No, wait a second. Mike Love (70) is loonier than a fruit cake (which is really saying something considering the company he keeps). Buddy Holly. Guess Not. I'm predicting Led Zeppelin in 2011. Plant will be 63, Page will be 67. They seem to get along well enough and still perform with regularity. Perfectly harmless old rockers. And it will all be perfect if the Jets are there representing the AFC.