Fiction

American History

Ryan Napier

Well yes ma’am I know I was supposed to give my report on my family history but when I got home from school Daddy was at work til late and Momma was asleep since she got work in the evenings so there warnt anybody at home I could ask about our family history and whether we’re Irish or Scottish or German and what our name mean and all that just like everybody else already done. So instead of just making it up I’m gonna tell about this thing we all do for my Pap’s birthday ever year since he’s real old and it’s sorta like family history for us Napiers. Specially this one that happen last year. See my Pap’s about the oldest person in the family so on his birthday we all get together down at the Ponderosa with all the other kin in Plant City and some of them that live out yonder in Dover like Uncle Mark who’s always making noise cause he got to drive such a long ways since the Ponderosa’s out by the Festival grounds close to us. But no matter how much Uncle Mark complain we always go there since it’s Pap’s favorite and he’s real old. But anyhow this year me and Sissy even got to set at the big table instead with all the cousins because Daddy was late getting home from work and so we got to the Ponderosa late and the little table was all full up already. So me and Sissy got to sit at the big table with Daddy and Momma and all the aunts and uncles and we got to hear all the big stuff that they talk about and I always wondered about and Daddy even let us both get a Coke since we had to set next to Uncle Barry who’s retarded and don’t talk and sorta scares Sissy. And the big table warnt even really all that big since they didn’t have to get Sissy a booster seat and she’s only three years younger than me and not even in school yet. So we got to set at the big table and we both got chicken fingers and all the parents got ribs or steaks and then after that they did a toast to Pap except he didn’t say it since he can’t talk real good after he got sick in the hospital with a stroke. So Uncle Mark said it and me and Sissy even got to raise our Cokes up and then at the end he said something real crazy in Irish or something and after everyone drunk and set down their cups Daddy says to him What the hell does that mean Mark? and Uncle Mark said that it was an Irish toast on account of our family’s Irish and Napier’s an Irish last name. But then Daddy says Not again Mark we ain’t Irish we’re Scottish. And Daddy said he looked up our name one time on the computer at the library and it said that Napier is an old Scottish name that kings used to have and it come from Nae Peer which in Scottish means No Peers which means that there warnt no one better than Napiers since they’re the kings out yonder in the Highlands in their castle and all that. But Uncle Mark just smiled so I could see that black tooth he got and then he said to Daddy that he seen this show on the History Channel that said Napier was Irish and it come from the old Irish word for napkin which was Napper or something because Napier warnt the king but the guy who holds the napkin for the king. And Daddy was about to get to fuming at him when Uncle John who’s sitting next to Pap cut in and says You’re both wrong cause Pap always said we’ve got Indian blood and he told me one time that the name Napier come from once of those tribes we took over called the Nez Perce. And the whole time he’s saying it Uncle John got this bit of rib sauce on his face and Pap don’t even look like he heard him or know what’s going on and finally Daddy says No John we got Cherokee blood since Pap told me we were one sixteenth Cherokee and besides I know Napier’s Scottish since I saw it on the internet and says we come from the kings of Scotland. But Uncle John’s wife agreed with him and everybody else fell to arguing til finally Uncle Darrin who’s sitting way down at the end of the table chimed and says he thought we were French. Except he says our name real stupid like Nap E Eh. And everybody was real quiet for a second since Uncle Darrin reads books and has a beard and teaches history down at the high school but then Daddy set down his fork and says You’re an idiot Darrin. And everybody started back in telling Uncle Darrin he was stupid because the last thing anybody wants to be is French and while they was carrying on about it I took one of Sissy’s chicken fingers since it was just setting on her plate forever and she warnt gonna eat it even though she pitched a fit when I—Oh no ma’am I’m sorry I forgot what I was supposed to be getting at for a moment. So anyhow they went on hollering about it the whole time til it was real late and we had to go so Momma could get home and put on her uniform and then get to work. But Daddy was still pissed and having a little conniption about it in the truck on the way home and saying what an idiot Uncle Darrin was until suddenly Sissy piped up and says I thought we was Americans and Daddy says Of course we’re Americans.

Ryan Napier was born in 1988 and he lives in Plant City, Florida.